i hate relationship experts: People who think that they know men or they know women and can tell you how to live your life successfully, based on limited experience and even more limited information. no, all men are not dogs, all girls aren’t after your money and not all guys cheat.
me, i’m not a relationship expert, i don’t have a lot of dating experience, and i’m not that good at giving (or taking advice). I’m more of an observer: i study people a lot & notice a lot of habits humans have and trends in society. The 12 things I’m about to tell you aren’t relationship guides, or how to get a good guy or whatever, it’s more about personal development and becoming a better, smarter person. Not like i read it or heard about it, it’s all stuff i had to discover by myself in the last three years.
1 YOU DON’T NEED A GUY. We live in a patriarchal society, in fact, a patriarchal world. Men are considered the rightful owners and leaders in everything and women are like the appendages, a spare part a guy sometimes need. Even when they say they don’t need a boyfriend or husband, girls still crave that male attention, and feel lesser without it, even if that attention is coming from a guy they think is scraps. It’s crazy like that. One of the hardest things you need to accept in life is that the only person you really need is yourself. It’s good to have friends, it’s okay to want a relationship and all, but your source of completeness or fulfilment should come from you. No one can be with you all the time, no one can think things the way you think, feel things the way you feel. Be satisfied with you, know yourself, enjoy yourself and have an amazing relationship with yourself or every other relationship outside of yourself with just lead to disappointment cos you’ll be trying to fill a space only inner happiness and self-love can fill.
2. BEING NICE IS DIFFERENT FROM BEING STUPID. One thing i hate about girls is that they always love to play the victim. Like my friend was telling me this time about a guy that’s going out with her other friend came over to her house and they ‘accidentally’ made out, like she doesn’t know whether to tell her friend. And i’m like ??????? lool foh. So a guy that you just met is asking to come over and you say yes out of niceness, so what exactly did you think was going to happen? you thought he was going to come over to make garri and play scrabble then later y’all will join hands and sing kumbayah? DPMO. and i won’t even talk about the accidental part, like how does one accidentally make out? did he jazz you or you tripped and fell on each other’s mouths. I said all this in my mind tho, outside i was a nice guy ( ._.)Being nice doesn’t mean you should leave your brain under your pillow, doesn’t mean you should let people take you for granted, and doesn’t mean you should do what you don’t want to. No matter how ‘nice’ you are, people will always treat you badly or say bad stuff about you. Live your life in a way that no matter what happens, you’ll be satisfied cos you’ll know you did what you wanted to do.
3. YOUR VIRGINITY IS NOT YOUR TREASURE. The way society is set up, sex is what the woman ‘gives’ and the man ‘gets’. It’s like as if sex is transfer of power from woman to man and not a mutually enjoyable experience, talking abt virginity is a woman’s beauty or whatever. First, can we forget what society forces down our throats & just establish that withholding sex from a guy won’t make it last, won’t guarantee love or make him respect you more. Have we established it? Ok. Thanks. Second, i’m not speaking for people who keep their virginity for moral or religious reasons or just personal preferences but if you’re a virgin cos of religion, you should know french kissing and some other kinds of foreplay are also sins. It’s somewhere in the Old Testament sha. Third, if you ask a nonvirgin girl if she’s a virgin and she says yes, exactly what kind of jazz will you use to know if she’s lying?? there are lots of sports and exercises that can tear the hymen, like skipping and high jump. I don’t know a lot, but if your ‘beauty’ lies in something that anyone can pretend to have, that doesn’t even matter ultimately, is that still beauty?
4. BOYS DON’T JUST WANT SEX. Sometimes, they want head too. Lol, but seriously it’s not just about sex. Yes, a lot of guys see girls as sexual objects, useful only for sexual needs, but sometimes girls don’t really give themselves any other use. Like, we as human beings are selfish and we don’t associate with people or things unless they can satisfy a need. Like the friends you have, you talk to some cos they make you laugh, or cos you have common interests or cos you just enjoy being around them. They satisfy the need for companionship. If you want to be seen as more than a sexual object to society, then be more. Really, it’s not that hard.
5. A RELATIONSHIP IS NOT A GAME. People make it seem as if relationships are games or competitions or a power struggle of Man VS Woman, and it doesn’t make any real sense. Relationships are supposed to be about love, trust and understanding not secrets, lies and manipulation. Stop letting single people tell you how to be in a relationship! A relationship should be natural and spontaneous, and you can’t control it with stupid rules and regulations, just be yourself and let the guy be himself. I’m not saying you should surrender your mumu button anyhow (See number 2), but people are different, and most of the rules don’t always apply. For example, my first (and only) 1 year relationship was with a guy i made out with the night i met him, but my relationship before that was with a guy i didn’t even touch till after a month. It lasted 3 months. There’s a reason why they call the spouse a ‘partner’ not a competitor. If you treat a relationship like a game, you can never win.
6. YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE BEAUTIFUL. I feel like boys have the permission to be ugly, you get? A lot of girls feel like it is their duty to be pleasing to the eye, for no other reason than their gender. Listen, you are not a flower or a house decoration ehn. Your purpose is greater than physical attractiveness, and surely God didn’t put you on earth to be pretty. You don’t have to look good, you don’t have to have cute pictures, and your makeup doesn’t have to be perfect. All these things are good and perfectly ok, but don’t let it control you. I read of this girl that had a series of surgeries to turn herself into the human Barbie. Like, i wish i had the picture, she looks like a fucking doll. She naa wakes up early every morning to do her makeup and get the perfect Barbie doll look. She took her own to the extreme but i think most girls are like that, deep down, believing their primary goal is their looks. Why we have girls aspiring to be models and makeup artists not business and entrepreneur kin stuff cos they think being pretty is the best way to get what you want, which actually brings me to my next point.
7. BEING PRETTY GIVES YOU NOTHING. The conception that how you look matters remotely, is the biggest modern myth. And i’m not even trying to be preach-ey. Being pretty doesn’t mean people will like you, respect you, or even approve of you. It won’t give you wealth, a good job, a good partner, fame, popularity, or assure you of anything desirable. It’s just there. It doesn’t mean you’ll even get more attention than less attractive people; we all have that average-looking friend with all the admirers. Anything a pretty person has, an unpretty person can get it, more and quicker sef. Really, i think looks are a distraction, or maybe God’s way of showing us that what we see means less than what we can’t see or whatever. My point sha, is that all the benefits of being pretty that you assume there are, that you struggle to be attractive for, they’re all a facade; all in your head.
8. THAT A GUY GIVES YOU ATTENTION DOESN’T MEAN HE LIKES YOU. Apparently girls take a lot of pleasure in guys chasing after them, and God knows i can’t understand why. Lemme tell you, I’m not a boy expert or a girl expert, I’m not even an expert on myself, I’m just real, and I happen to live among human beings so I notice their behaviour patterns. Most of the time, the girls boys are all over are the easiest, not necessarily the prettiest. Chew on that, masticate on it till the pieces are liquid, now swallow it whole. Remember i said most of the time. A boy can genuinely like you and give you attention cos his intentions are good. But when you find yourself being chyked by a lot of boys in a short period of time (esp if these boys know each other somehow) don’t see it as a good thing, is all i’m saying.
9. THAT A GUY ASKS YOU OUT DOESN’T MEAN HE LIKES YOU. Me sef if I say I understand this one, I’m lying. Idk what level of demonic you must be to date a girl cos of boyfriend gives, but I know it happens a lot, and most times, there’s no way you can be sure. Oh and btw, it isn’t a relationship till he verbally asks you out. There’s nothing like an ‘implied relationship.’
10. THAT A GUY IS STILL IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU, DOESN’T MEAN HE LIKES YOU. Yup, the power of boyfriend gives (ie the deep and reckless gives most girls reserve for only their boyfriends). Don’t take pride in being the one to breakup with a guy. A guy can be tired of you, irritated by you, hurt by you, but won’t break up cos the gives are good. Yeah some boys are stupid and evil like that. So if doing all these things doesn’t mean he likes you, then how do you know he likes you? Honestly, i don’t think you can really ‘know’ how someone truly feels about you. The best you can do is watch their words and actions, esp their actions and spend time with them, cos no one can pretend forever.
11. YOU ARE NOT IN COMPETITION WITH OTHER GIRLS, OR WITH ANYBODY IN FACT. Girls go through so much and instead of them to be united in understanding and experience, they’re fake; battling each other with fake smiles and competing with each other. It’d make more sense if they were competing for who is more successful, or who is a better person. Instead they compete for attention, male attention precisely. Understand this: never compare yourself with anybody, any girl, any other person cos you are running your own race, with a track designed specially for you. There is a reason why you look and think exactly the way you do. In your own way, you are perfection. I read a poem recently that was like:
what a lousy deal to be an eel
how much neater to be a cheetah
but put a cheetah in the sea
and ask him which he’d rather be.
The poem has the point as me: that we are all made specially for the situations we were put in. A cheetah will never wish to be an eel until it finds itself in deep water.
12. DON’T ACCEPT ANY DEFINITION OF BEAUTY BUT YOUR OWN. When i was in junior school, all i wanted was to know how to rock high heels, like not wedges but the really really high 6-inch stilettos. Everything about tall women was sexy and mature back then. Then it became all about short women, there was sth cute and vulnerable about the petite stature. Recently, it’s shifting back to tall women again. Society’s definition of beauty is always changing, but that doesn’t mean you have to change to fit into it. Some people use makeup, bleach, go through surgery for bigger breasts, slimmer body, wider hips (can i just add here that idg why you’d want wider hips when it’ll still increase again after childbirth. Unless you want to look like a rhino after 2 children, then carry on). Anyways, you can do all these things, but it won’t solve your problem. So whenever society gives you a new standard of beauty, you’ll just conform to it, like a robot? Where is your mind? Society’s standards are all well and good, but like i said in number 3, your beauty is indestructible; it isn’t sth anybody can take away from you, or that anybody can put on creams and powders and gels or do surgery to get. I saw this movie where people’s appearance was an expression of their personality. Like imagine that kind of world. Instead of wearing makeup and going to the gym, people’d actually have to become better people and go to church and all. Fat, short, skinny, dark, fair, whatever, it all means nothing. We have forgotten that before we put on this flesh we were once spirits, and when our flesh is gone, who we are is all we’ll have left. All girls need to know this, and this is sth i’m still trying to accept too. If you don’t gain anything from all this, at least know this: your beauty is who you are.